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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Harry Potter and Unemployment

So, what do Harry Potter and my phone call the RI Unemployment have in common? Both run about three hours in length. It took me two hours of calling and hanging up just to get into the call que, and another hour and a half of waiting on hold via my speaker phone to get a person on the line. I found out that I had been approved for benefits five weeks ago, and they had to reopen my case and fix something so that I could call and report for last week. I'll be getting some papers to send off so that I can be paid for the last five. And now that I've gotten this all straightened out, I'll be going back to work in two weeks, lol.

Harry Potter was great, and did not feel at all like a three hour movie. Dante and I went to the 1pm show and didn't get out until 3:45. Then we went home, ate something, and I took a nap because Alex had me up at 6:30am. He's doing well with his potty training still, and in a few days I'm going to start trying him at nap time with out a pull up. This means that I'm starting to limit his drinks now and I'll need to make sure that the boys are on board with me so we can be consistent.

Aaron went into the kitchen and moved things around in the cabinets like he occasionally does, and this time I was there while he did it. I always put things back where I had them, because I need it there so I know where it is. As he moved a bag of nut clusters, I said "DON'T DO THAT" and moved them back. He started to ask what the deal was, and then cut himself off and said "OCD?". I didn't know how to explain why I didn't want him to move the bag so I just said yes, but really...I just don't like when people move my things around. I do all the cooking and I like to know where stuff is. I'm only anal about my work space. If I use something regularly, I want it handy. He said that he sees me "scatter" things around and so he didn't figure I'd have OCD tendencies, but I told him that nothing is scattered and that I know where everything is. He said that it all looks messy but to be truthful, 75% of the stuff "scattered" around is his stuff and I left it where he left it. The table is covered with unopened mail...all in his name. I have a few books and some yarn but I use those things almost every day where he doesn't really use his things. I do have a few things out like my bike and the cat carrier, but that's because we don't have anywhere to put those things. The real problem is that we don't have storage and we are a family of four living in a two bedroom apartment in Rhode Island where every apartment is so old that it was built in the colonial days and they didn't have things like couches or bikes. So tomorrow while Aaron is on a movie set as an extra for the movie The Fighter, I'm going to move my spill-over yarn into my clear storage drawers upstairs and leave his things out, and tell him that if it still looks cluttered, then he has himself to thank for that.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Touch of OCD

Yesterday I went to counseling with my husband, and we talked a little bit about how I usually take on way too much, and then I'm way too hard on myself about how things come out. Like the time that I sent the photo of my 2x2 ribbing to the Knitters Guild to have them look and tell me that I had done wrong, and they told me that the swatch looked fine and I was being too hard on myself. "This is not machine knitting" she told me. I've always had a hard time accepting compliments, and I usually concentrate on the areas that I didn't do well, and don't see all the things that I did very well.

During the session, I got to talking about how the stress of my father's death, my break-up, moving, and finding out about Dante's ADHD left a mark on me and how I haven't been quite the same since. I feel like I just didn't handle things as well as I could have...I was just too tired and too agitated to be much of a parent to Dante for at least a year. I wasn't very much fun to live with, and I think that it affected my relationship with Dante for a long time. We weren't very close and I had a hard time connecting with him. All my time went to making sure that I got him to school, that I got to work, and that we both got to church. I felt a bit like Bella in New Moon after Edward left her, and she spent most of the book pretending to be normal for Charlie. I tried to look like nothing was wrong for Dante. And now I have guilt about that. Even though I know that I shouldn't and that nothing that happened was my fault, I still feel it. Now I get really upset anytime I talk about Dante and things that he's been through, like 6th grade math, because all I can think about is everything that I didn't get to do for him. My counselor stopped me in the middle of telling her everything I was doing now to make sure he can pass math this coming year, and told me that I started to cry about not doing enough, but all she's heard me talk about is everything that I was doing for my family. It's just that what ever I do never seems like enough when I'm working, and maybe I'm feeling a little anxiety about going back to work.

I should start work in the next week or two and to help me stay focused, I have asked Aaron to tell me when I'm being too hard on myself. We talked in the session, and decided that he should ask me if he can help me with anything, and that can be my que to calm down or re-prioritize. But the really funny thing that we talked about is that I knit constantly because I need to do something with my hands at all times. I'm used to running on all cylinders, all the time and I don't know how to do one thing at a time anymore. She said that I might have a touch of OCD and that the knitting helps hold off the anxiety. It's funny because I studied OCD this week, and usually Psychology students get paranoid that they have everything they read about (like med students do), but I didn't pick up anything when I read about OCD. I figured I had some issues with depression (which I have in the past) but not any compulsive issues. And maybe I have a little bit of a compulsion to knit, but it doesn't help at all that there are so many patterns out there that I want to knit, that I couldn't get them all knit if I did nothing but knit every day of my life. So last night after I realized that I made a mistake on the heel flap and had to rip it back, I decided that it was a good time to put the knitting down, went and got a hot cocoa, and sat on the couch next to Aaron and just watched wrestling with him. It was relaxing. Maybe I'll try today to allow myself to do nothing, and see what happens.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Today, Dante passed the sacrament for the first time. He had two babies trying to talk to him as he took the sacrament tray out to the lobby for anyone who arrived a little late. It was really cute. I was alone in primary except for Kristen who was a huge help, and we pulled some missionaries in (at her suggestion) to play piano for us for music time. I blew the dust off of my Family Home Evening manual and found the section on scriptures this morning to flesh out my lesson a little bit. It's funny how you try to prepare this whole lesson plan, and then when you get into it, it diverts off in a whole different direction. I guess that's the direction that the spirit thought my lesson needed to go. I played Bible or Book of Mormon with the Junior primary, where I put up the names of nine prophets from each of the books ( three new testament, three old testament, and three BofM), and had them tell me if the prophet is from the Bible or the Book of Mormon. It was really cute, but things were a bit out of wack today as they just had trouble paying attention with all the new people we had down there filling in for the day. Then we only had one child in Senior primary, so I pulled up a chair and we talked about the scriptures, what is in there, and then played Bible or Book of Mormon again, but this time we had two of the teachers play with him, and they had to tell if the prophet was in the New Testament, Old Testament, or Book of Mormon, plus something about that person. It went over really well on a smaller scale.

I'm swatching for my Something Red cardigan and I spent about an hour looking for something that I could use that was worsted weight, and roughly the same weight as the suggested yarn. I don't have anything that's exact, but I do have two options that are in the neighborhood of what I'm looking for. I checked Ravelry and one of the other knitters used the Cascade 220 which I have in my stash for another sweater but I don't think I'll be using it for that. Then I have some Lyon Brand Wool Ease in a country blue that I'm swatching with right now. I've got enough of both to knit this sweater, but I think I'd really like to be able to throw it in the washing machine and dryer because I really want something to wear to work. I've been knitting work-wear recently. I also have to cast on again for my Grandmother's socks. I took the other one off the needles because I just hated the yarn I was using and I love the pattern so I just picked up the Comfort DK in yellow and I'll start over again. Maybe right after I settle on the yarn I want for my sweater. I've always got a pair of socks on the needles, maybe I need to have a sweater on the needles at all times too!