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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

More of (not necessarily) the same

Today I had a great class with a student I very much like and my buddy Denise.  They were both working on socks while I was working on the color work section of Takoma (I know, no surprise).  So I was right in the middle of one of the rows when I stopped for a second and said "is this right?..." and then found my place.  My friend Denise started to laugh and then thanked me for making her feel better, lol.  Turns out that she has insecurities about her knitting skill when she knits with me.  So I guess what I've learned today is that we're all a bit insecure about something and that's okay.  The key is to be willing to admit them (for the theraputic aspects) and then to have a good cry and move the hell on. 

So in the spirit of moving-the-hell-on, I realized some things about myself today.  My friend and reader Daisy sent me a poem from Maya Angelou that really lifted me today, called Phenomenal Woman.  It reminded me that there are so many little parts to me that I love.  I have learned to love my hair.  I love my skin color.  I love my legs.  I actually like my streak of gray hair (not that it's gray, but that it's an awesome streak).  I like my hands, and feet, especially when I paint my nails.  I have nice nails (and as a former manicurist...I would know, lol).  I have presence and people listen when I speak.

I love to make things with my hands and I get a great sense of accomplishment out of it.  My boys love me for who I am, including my flaws (and there are many), and that's really all that matters.  Any time I dress up or wear make-up, Alex tells me that I'm pretty :)  The kids I teach at church actually like me, which is good because I love them.  And I mean love in the actual sense of the word.  I worry about them and I get excited about their accomplishments, and I get excited to see them every week, and I cry when they are hurt or upset.  I feel like an extra mom.  I mother them.  I mother anyone who will stand still for it :)  If you come into the shop and you look like you don't feel well (or aren't eating enough), I'll mother you too!  I love my pets like family, and I grieve for lost fish. 

Not to get all religified on you, but God made me who I am and had me go through what I've been through (good and bad) for a reason.  I believe that reason is so I can understand and sympathize with others who are going through similar trials.  He made me stand out so that people who were looking for a shoulder to lean on for comfort would see me better.  I'm good at comforting.  I'm good with children, and they seem to be drawn to me even though I'm so tall and could easily intimidate a small child.  He made me sensitive so that I would take extra care of other's feelings because I know what it's like to have my own hurt.  He made my face an open book so that people would know exactly what I'm thinking just from looking at my face, and all so that they would feel comfortable confiding if they needed to. 

I am a mother, and a daughter, and a sister to many women at church, and just like a sister to many others, and a friend, and an extra mom to children who need a warm loving adult in their lives.  I'm also an example to others going through trials similar to my own (not saying I'm a good example, just an example).  I'm also a representative of my faith, and I've been able to change stereo types of what a Mormon (or a black, or a woman) really is and what they can do.  I've been the exception to the rule.  I've risen to the challenge.  I've done what people told me I couldn't do.  I've fallen on my face and failed fantastically, but got up and tried again.  I can go.  And now, I can remember my own worth.  I hope that you can remember yours too.

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