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Friday, May 23, 2014

Can I take it all back?

So we had a conversation a few weeks ago where I was feeling better at work, and I was working on a sock and a sweater, and I was eagerly anticipating going to mediation with Alex's school.  That's not entirely accurate any more. 

As you can see in the photo, I was reminded of the existence of my Beekeeper's Quilt and I picked it back up.  I've been knitting puffs like there's no tomorrow, because it's all I have the mental energy for right now.  The downward slide is more evident in the things that trigger sadness and tears.  It's tough when I can't be happy for others in their moment of happiness because I'm reminded of something that I'm missing in my life, or when I can't enjoy a natural right of passage with my child because I'm sad that things are going to change.

It's painful to even write about this, but I'm really struggling with having two children so far apart in age, mostly because Dante is quickly becoming a young adult and I have a little boy in the house still so I'm in the mode of having all my little ducklings at home and accounted for.  I'm not in a place of transition like I should be to help Dante as he makes the change, and I'm trying desperately to hide that from him because this is supposed to be an exciting time for him. 

You see, my weeks are literally flying by at break-neck speed so when people tell me that I've got another full year to 18 months before he sets off into the world, they might as well be talking about hours.  This calendar year Dante will enter his senior year of high school.  This year.  Next year he will graduate.  He will turn 18 quickly after, and the will likely put in mission papers.  He will set off on a mission for 2 years, during which time he will likely be too busy to remember to write to his mother.  When he returns after 2 years away, he will go off to college.  Things will not ever be like they are right now, and I actually like things as they are right now.  I've worked really hard to shape him into a kind, respectable, likeable young man and I'm angry that I get such a short time with him to enjoy it now that he's there.  I'm regretting that I have to share the last summer I have with him doing homework and working my new full-time job.  I've done my best, but I'm looking at the time I have left and regretting how little of it there is left before he's off into the world.  He won't have very much time for me (as I've not had as much time as I'd like for my parents), and I can't stand that.  And I can't figure out how to express that to those around me so I just press on like I'm okay because trying to talk about it causes me to break down in tears. 

I'm not putting this all out here for sympathy, so please don't feel like you have to respond with encouragement.  I just hoped that it would be a little therapeutic to actually admit what I've been feeling and struggling with.  Then maybe I can start to get back to myself again, because I certainly haven't been myself in a little while.  Work is hard most days and the last week I've lived in constant anxiety of going to work.  I know what it is, but I feel it none the less.  I haven't wanted to watch anything other than cartoons.  I haven't knit much of anything and I've had to force myself to knit what I've managed to knit.  I've hardly cooked.  I checked in on my blog feed for the first time in months and months, and immediately felt lonely and isolated.  I want to talk to people; to reach out, but I don't want to talk to them.  I want to tell someone but I don't want to be needy.  And sometimes I try to reach out but no one is home.  Lots of times actually. 

Anyway, this post sure took a different turn that I thought it would but sometimes that's for the best.  I'll keep working on this thing and I'll enlist some help is I can't fix it.  In the meantime, I appreciate the ability to unload it.  Now, I'm going to go knit some puffs and watch Spongebob.

1 comment:

  1. I can't offer you words of wisdom but I can tell you that I am in the exact place you dread to be--my oldest is graduating this year and like you I feel the tears and the urge to stop time at each moment. I am my feet in 2 worlds right now--one just finishing kindergarten and one graduating high school--dizzying, isn't it? Change is barreling down on me and I am powerless to stop it. When you get back being yourself you will be different\, so don't rush it! and go easy on yourself. For me, the next time something momentous happens it will be easier and I will be more likely to enjoy the moment and just "be" in it.

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